*** Author’s Note to Readers*** The following novel may contain themes of violence and occasional vulgar language. The most offensive chapters will have a warning like this one, and are rare. However, I would recommend to parents that they preview such chapters before allowing adolescents to read them, that’s just common sense.
A young man lay sprawled across a small bed that was just wide enough for one person. The bed lay in one corner of a small room with large bricks painted white, giving the room a very institutional feel. One wall of the corner, above his head, held a wall-mounted bookcase with textbooks and novels. The other wall of his corner held the only window. The room’s only further furniture was a desk and chair. A computer was on top of the desk. The dresser was crammed into the open closet to create floor space. A duffel bag lay on the floor in front of it.
The third wall of the little room was decorated with illustrations, featuring comic book and fantasy characters: mutants and elves, angels and ogres. The fourth wall had the door, which someone was currently knocking. The youth on the bed rolled over.
The knocking became pounding and he sat up.
“Ethan! Wake up! Come on, wake up!” Someone shouted through the door. He stared at it for a moment, his head cocked to one side, a strange little smile in the corner of his mouth.
He pulled on a tshirt that was draped over the chair and then pulled on jeans that had been lying in a crumpled pile on the floor. He waited at the doorway, peering into the peephole. He timed opening the door perfectly.
“Ethan! Whoooaaa!” Another young man toppled into the room, caught off balance by his next big swing. Instead of pounding the wood, he pounded himself into the carpet. Being over six feet tall and more than two hundred pounds, he hit it fairly hard.
“Dick!” He grinned, picking himself up. “Why didn’t you answer me, Ethan?”
Ethan looked at him with that same little smile. “I was dreaming.”
“Well, get your ass up!” The bigger youth grinned, punching him in the arm. “Grab your bags, we have to get moving.”
“I thought we agreed to meet at nine?”
Another young man appeared in the doorway. He had long dishevelled hair that seemed unable to make up its mind regarding its colour. It wasn’t quite blonde, nor was it quite brown.
“Dan’s a bit excited,” he said. “To put it mildly.”
“Yeah, and this fucker used my enthusiasm against me. Knocked me right onto the floor.” Dan playfully shoved Ethan, who showed no reaction in his face.
“He’s probably getting you back for last week.”
“What did I do last week, Evan?” Dan asked.
“The shaving cream incident? You covered his door and his bed.”
Dan laughed loudly, “I forgot about that. That was awesome.”
“Well, now you’re both even,” Evan said. “Can we get on with our lives?”
“I was trying to get Ethan up so we can leave. I don’t want to miss our flight, man.”
“We can leave now, if you really want to,” Ethan said. “I’ve been packed for days. We’ll just get there earlier than the others and have to wait.”
“Well, that’s better than just standing around this dump. School’s out, let’s rock!” Dan followed this comment with an enthusiastic bellow more suited to a crowded hockey arena after a game-winning goal than a university dormitory.
“Dan, I admire your passion, but you’re aware some people actually use Reading Week to study, aren’t you?” Evan smiled.
“Who gives a fuck?” Dan laughed. “Let’s go. I want to be the first one there.”
Ethan pulled on his boots and coat while his friends bantered, hardly listening. He hefted his duffel and followed them down the hallway.
“I bet Neal gets there before we do,” Evan said, talking about one of the friends they would be meeting at the airport.
“Uh uh, no way. We’re closer than he is, and we’re leaving earlier than we planned,” Dan said. “Twenty bucks says you’re wrong.”
“Deal.” Evan shook on it with his hefty friend. “I bet you another twenty that Owen is with Neal, and eating a sub sandwich while they wait for us.”
“A sub? Bullshit, easy money! I’ll take that bet. You couldn’t possibly know that.” Dan gleefully shook again. Evan shrugged.
“Owen likes snacks, what can I say. If I’m wrong on both counts, you just pocketed forty dollars.”
They stopped by Evan’s room and grabbed his gear, including his cherished guitar in a cloth gig-bag. Dan’s room was next door, so it wasn’t long before they were headed out of the building towards the parking lot.
“Crap, it’s snowing!” Dan said, tugging a hat over his dark hair as they walked through the school grounds.
“We’re going on a ski trip, Dan, better get used to it,” Ethan said. “There’s a lot of snow in the mountains.”
“And there’s a lot of snow-bunnies in Whistler. I am going to get so much ass this week!” Dan cheered.
“Pervert,” Evan laughed. Ethan strode ahead, finding his truck and tossing his bag into the back.
“Let’s roll, shall we?”
14 comments
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January 6, 2008 at 11:13 pm
sonjanitschke
This. Is. So. Much. Better.
Like, way better.
Nice foreshadowing.
January 7, 2008 at 3:04 pm
nomananisland
Thank you. 🙂
January 16, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Katie
Love the writing style! It pulls you right through the chapter.
January 26, 2008 at 8:06 pm
nomananisland
***Note to Readers*** I’m sure you noticed my comment at the top — I’m basically apologizing for Daniel’s bad language, he moved a lot of chapters into a PG/PG 13 kind of rating. 😉
February 8, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Han/shot/first!
Dan’s a jerk! I think these guys are funny. It reminds me so much of my crew in high school.
February 13, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Bertram
I think the description of the room at the beginning is too long for a setting where so little action takes place. If the room has meaning later on, you can describe it there. For now, it would be better if you took a single object to mention, one that can portray the essence of the room.
February 13, 2008 at 8:02 pm
nomananisland
My basic take on writing: how do I create the best scene possible? I think like a film director and describe what I want people to see, because I don’t have a camera to pan through the scenery — I have to write it.
If you were watching a movie about this book, you would see the things I describe. I don’t describe them the way Tolkien does, because I think he wastes pages on minutiae. But I mention them enough to give a picture for the mind’s eye, I hope. A paragraph to that effect hardly seems excessive.
Especially when all of the scenery does in fact serve a purpose towards the novel and the “essence” of the room — you learn quite quickly that Ethan enjoys novels and drawing fantastical creatures, and that he’s in an institution, and that he’s packed for a trip. The baggage can’t come from nowhere when it’s time to leave, and the other details are very important for his character.
If you found this too long for description, please don’t read the Lord of the Rings if you haven’t already. You’ll die of boredom before they leave Bag-End.
February 19, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Bertram
I did.
March 27, 2008 at 8:38 am
Laine
The first chapter is the most important chapter in the story, and you seem to know it. However, I doubt that you have given quite enough thought on what it is that is important about the first chapter. As the chapter stands at the moment, it doesn’t fulfil it’s main purposes.
There are two things you have to do: to give me a reason to read further and to give me an initial orientation of the storyline.
I got neither. I don’t care about the characters, and I don’t care about their interactions. Your writing doesn’t give me any reason to like or dislike them. There’s nothing special about any one of them. They are some guys doing one of the things that are common of boys of that age. It’s apparent that they are leaving for a break in shcool. So what? There’s nothing going on that makes me wonder what is going to happen on that trip. Even less there’s anything that kindles my empathy for the main character. These are the reasons why I stop reading before the first chapter ends.
So, you need to understand that you don’t have the whole first chapter to make the beginning of the story work. You need to make it work from the very first sentense. The opening paragraph is the most important one. Don’t waste it on listing what is in the room! Tell the reader something that is compelling. If it’s important to you to give those details, give them later in the chapter.
Get the image of yourself as a movie director out of your head. It misleads you to give descriptions in the wrong way. Writing and movie are very different semiotic systems. What works in one doesn’t work in another. In visual modes of communication one is given all the information at the same time, and the receiver of that information chooses the order in which s/he takes it in. In writing, the writer is the one who chooses the order.
The choice of order in which you introduce new things to the reader gives them importance. The reader expects that you begin by showing the important thing in the story. Think about the classic opening sentense of a fairy tale: once upon a time, in a faraway land, a beautiful princess woke up at the sound of a bell. That is a good opening sentense because it gives right away the most important thing: the prinsess waking up for some reason. Action is the most important thing, always. Motivation comes right behind. The sentense also situates the tale in time and in place. Further descriptions are given as needed. Don’t give descriptions for the future need, give only what is needed just at the moment. The actions and the motivations of the characters give the situational descriptions their meaning.
March 27, 2008 at 11:16 am
nomananisland
This isn’t the first chapter. 2. The Ending, that was the first chapter.
I get what you’re saying about the placement of sentences, and that describing the room can wait, and that the impetus needs to be on action and characterization. That’s helpful, because I’m certainly not satisfied with the entire beginning section of the book (as most of you who follow the comments already know). The section called “The Middle” needs to be at the beginning, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be improved. I still really like the original chapter that was here, now 6. The Middle – the Plane, but it needs a lot of changes too. Things to think about.
However, there are certainly actions in this chapter of importance. They may not be obvious at first, but there are readers who noticed and liked it. I think some things are objective (like strong first sentences, action before setting) and some things are subjective, because some people like this chapter.
The trick is, trying to write a first chapter that almost EVERYONE likes. Oh well, back to the drawing board. 😉
October 25, 2009 at 1:25 pm
-.-...
“featuring comic book and fantasy characters”
Comic book should have been plural…
(yes… I am a grammar freak)
October 26, 2009 at 7:33 pm
grammar
Comic book characters/fantasy characters are correct terms when discussing genres. One wouldn’t say “fantasies characters” nor “books characters.”
Tom Sawyer and The Artful Dodger are book characters. Luke Skywalker and Indiana Jones are movie characters, etc. etc.
June 29, 2012 at 1:03 am
wildbow
You use Evan here instead of Ethan at one point:
“What did I do last week, Evan?” Dan asked.
June 29, 2012 at 2:25 am
wildbow
Or there’s two characters with similar names. N/m.